


you dream of some epiphany

by katiekat784



Series: Folklore [5]
Category: Gallagher Girls Series - Ally Carter
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Conflicted Rachel, F/M, Implied/Referenced Cheating, set during book 1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:28:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29304258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katiekat784/pseuds/katiekat784
Summary: Rachel thinks about the last time she saw Joe and what it means for them now that he's joining the Academy.OrShe had to move on, punishing herself wasn't going to change anything. It wasn't going to fix it or undo the things that happened. She needed to stop denying it, stop making excuses and deal with it. Because whether she was ready for it or not, Joe was coming to Gallagher.
Relationships: Rachel Morgan/Joseph "Joe" Solomon, past Matthew Morgan/Rachel Morgan
Series: Folklore [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2131743
Kudos: 1





	you dream of some epiphany

**Author's Note:**

> Based off of track 13 (epiphany) in Taylor Swift's Folklore album.

_With you, I fall down.  
_ _Something med school did not cover.  
_ _And some things you just can't speak about._

She had been rifling running through last minute paperwork, the new semester was starting in a couple days which always brought a little stress and need for some aspirin to ease her throbbing skull. This year was no exception to that unwanted tradition. They had only now just found who would be covering Covert Operations this year. She had gone through application after application but each time there was something that wasn’t sitting right about whoever she was looking at. In a fit of desperation, she had gone to Patricia and asked for her help a few days ago. She trusted the other woman and her judgement and asked her to narrow down who would make a good fit and she’d back whoever she thought was right. And in all honesty, Rachel knew that whoever Patricia suggested would be the best choice for the girls and the Academy. Rachel looked up to the older woman, especially in the first years of becoming Headmistress. It wasn’t an easy transition from field agent to headmistress, but Rachel felt more comfortable and able when she figured out that she had a familiar face to seek advice from and talk to if she ever needed anything.

As she kept thinking about the first couple years, she wasn't paying much attention to the words written on the papers that she was supposed to be carefully looking over. Her multitasking skills that she’d perfected over the years didn't notice the last name Patricia had put down until she was about halfway down the files. When the name finally registers in her mind, she almost chokes on air, as she tries to remember how to breathe normally. _He_ was one of the three names Patricia had picked for her. Joseph Solomon, she hadn't seen him or talked to him since their conversation a few months after Matthew's funeral.

Matthew. She sighed, even now it hit her in waves, the sadness, the loneliness, the bitterness. But that wasn't the sole reason for her shift in moods. It was so complicated, _him_ and her. No, there's no him and her, there never was. She shakes her head, trying to mentally shake the thoughts from her mind.

 _Yeah, because doing that is definitely going to erase that guilt._ She thinks to herself.

She puts her head in her hands and groans. The guilt, how could she not feel it? It hit her almost every time she thought of Matt or Joe but she didn't think about Joe that often, she couldn't. It wasn't supposed to be this way. He was her late husband's best friend; it wasn't as if they were an "item" or anything. But… there were all of those fleeting touches, how her eyes fluttered closed when their lips met that night.

"Ugh, that’s enough.” She says out loud, interrupting her inner monologue.

Yeah, so they kissed, it wasn't that big of a deal. She and Matthew were on a break, years ago before Cammie was born… and it was just that one time when they were both drunk. And they both stopped it before it went too far. And when her and Matt got back together a few weeks later, they didn’t see why there was ever a need to bring it up. It was a mistake, they both knew it and that was it… Okay, there was that night a few months after Matt’s funeral when Cammie was with her grandparents and they were the same kind of drunk as they were all those years ago. Alright fine, that night was more than a few kisses. It was a very wrong, biggest mistake of her life but so very, very good kind of night. She had just lost her husband and he had just lost his best friend and they both just needed to feel something, to be close to someone. And the next morning they both agreed it wouldn’t happen again and it didn’t mean anything but them trying to overcome their pain.

That night was wrong for a multitude of reasons. But it was also a night of feelings that she had never felt before. She never said these things out loud and tried to never spend more than five minutes dwelling or thinking about any of it. She couldn't because she felt guilt and dirty. She didn't technically cheat on Matthew but in her heart she did. Whatever emotions she was feeling, she shouldn't have slept with his best friend.

She had never been that kind of girl, she never wanted to be that girl and as much as she tried denying it, she was. In the brief moments that she's thought back to that night, she'd try to reason her way into thinking that it wasn't as bad as it sounded. In some insistences, she even had that whole denial thing going for her but today she knew that neither of things were going to work. Today was one of the rare times that she saw it for what it truly was and what it meant.

She has to move on, punishing herself wasn't going to change anything. It wasn't going to fix it or undo the things that happened. She needed to stop denying it, stop making excuses and deal with it. Because whether she was ready for it or not, Joe was coming to Gallagher.

Sure, she supposes that she could not sign off on him teaching but that would be selfish, unfair, and childish of her. Joe may stir up many emotions that she'd much rather burry than deal with, but she was an adult and as difficult and maybe impossible as it might be, it was time for her to come clean with everything. It was time for her to let go, of the guilt and pain, of the shame and of the denial. It was especially time for her to let go of the denial because she's realized that it can only last for so long.

She knew that the other two applicants were good candidates, but Joe was the best fit, he had so much to teach the girls and everyone would benefit from his time here. She signed off on the rest of the papers and made a couple of business calls, the whole while wondering how she was supposed to face him. She only just truly admitted everything to herself, how was she supposed to deal with the fact that he'd be around her every day. Yes, she was a professional, but this had the potential of being very messy, of not ending well and being really complicated.

 _Well, it's a good thing you’ve got experience in complicated._ She thought to herself as she started to prepare for the staff meeting and briefing that needed to be written.

She welcomed the temporary distraction, knowing that the problem would still be there once she finished. She needed to think about something else before she broke and shut herself down like she so desperately wanted to do.

_Only twenty minutes to sleep._  
 _Just one single glimpse of relief.  
_ _To make some sense of what you've seen._

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, feedback is always appreciated :)


End file.
